Rounding the Bases (Part 2)

This is the second of three columns that took third place in Sports Column writing during the 2009 Wyoming Press Association awards.

By BRENDAN BURNETT-KURIE

What you are about to read is a true story. No names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Scene 1:

SCENE OPENS IN THE HALLWAY OF THE REC CENTER. I AM SPEAKING WITH MEMBERS OF THE WRESTLING TEAM

WRESTLER 1:

So you’re going to practice with the boys basketball team?

ME:

Yeah, I’m not a smart guy.

WRESTLER 1:

What you gotta do, you gotta come to wrestling practice.

ME:

Well, I was looking forward to living.

I LOOK AROUND FERTIVELY. I OBVIOUSLY DO NOT WANT TO WRESTLE BUT I CAN’T ADMIT THAT.

Actually, I wanted to, but there’s too much liability.

EYES DASHING FROM SIDE TO SIDE, NERVOUSLY I TRY DESPERATELY TO COME UP WITH A LIE

I would have to take a physical, like you guys do. Yeah, I mean that’s just not going to happen.

I TAKE A DEEP BREATH. CRISIS AVERTED

WRESTLER 1:

Well that’s too bad, ‘cause I woulda liked to see you down there

HE MOTIONS TO THE WRESTLING ROOM, DEEP IN CHASMS OF THE REC CENTER.

ME:

Yeah, well, you woulda killed me. That’s for sure.

Scene 2:

A FEW DAYS LATER, SITTING AT MY DESK ON A MONDAY, NOT A CARE IN THE WORLD.

AD REP 1:

Brendan, you have to call Rob Colomb. He called me several times over the weekend. I guess he scheduled you a physical?

ME:

DARTING INTO AN ATTENTIVE POSITION.

What? Who did what?

AD REP 1:

I didn’t understand it, but he said he got you a physical, here’s his number. You’re supposed to call him.

ME:

OH NO.

Oh, no. He didn’t. Really? Did he? This is not a good scenario.

Scene 3:

DHS ACTIVITIES DIRECTOR STEVE WALKER’S OFFICE, I ENTER WITH A LOOK OF PURE TERROR ON MY FACE

ME:

So, um, Steve. It appears I may have to go to a wrestling practice.

ALMOST IN TEARS.

I don’t want to, it’s really scary. I even lied to them. I told them I needed a physical and they arranged one. I’m caught!

STEVE:

Well, if you want to use the activities office as an excuse, you can. But if you do decide to do it, you just have to let me know ahead of time what day you’ll be doing it.

ME:

SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING TELLING THE WRESTLERS STEVE WON’T LET ME

For liability reasons?

STEVE:

No, so I can come watch.

WRESTLING COACH BOB BATH WALKS BY THE DOOR

Bob, I think I found you another wrestler!

BOB:

POKES HIS HEAD IN THE DOOR EXCITEDLY, HOPING TO SEE NEW ALL-STATE WRESTLER. INSTEAD, SEES ME AND LOOKS SAD

Oh, we’ll show him what a wrestling practice is all about.

ME:

SINGLE TEAR ROLLS DOWN MY CHEEK.

I think the only question will be if I can die multiple times over.

Scene 4:

ROCKY’S ‘EYE OF THE TIGER’ BLASTS THROUGH SPEAKERS AS I HOIST MEDECINE BALLS ABOVE MY HEAD.

FADE TO:

MY EYES BULGE OUT, MY HAND GOES TO MY MOUTH AND I SPRINT TO A TRASH CAN IN THE CORNER.

FADE TO:

I AM SLAMMED ON THE GROUND IN A PADDED ROOM. SWEAT SPRAYS ACROSS THE ROOM AS I CRUMPLE INTO A SOBBING PILE.

FADE TO:

A SHOT OF ME CURLED IN BACK OF THE WRESTLING ROOM, SLOBBERING FROM NOSE AND MOUTH AS I SCREAM FOR MERCY.

THE END

In an arguably psychotic move I am going to practice with the wrestling team. Unlike basketball, I have no previous experience with wrestling, no idea what practice will entail or what to do on a mat.

But I do know one thing.

This will not end well.

Check back next week for a recap of my life-threatening foray into the staph-infected world of DHS wrestling practice.